Swiped right, but your date is alt-right? Did you hit it off the first time but now they’ve messaged a dozen times in the last two days? Both bad admittedly, but what if you discovered that your date was a….(insert ominous music)….wine snob?
Banjo Harris Plane
– wine columnist
“They still exist?” you ask in disbelief.
Whilst the majority of them live in fear and in dark houses, surrounded by half-finished bottles and half-written complaint letters to wineries, there are still a few seen in the wild.
Follow our very helpful guide (or loose script of an indi short) to identifying and avoiding them. You can thank us later.
Act 1, scene 1
You arrive at the new, on-trend wine bar (their choice) and have a minor heart-attack when it seems like your date is hitting on the sommelier.
You approach the scene stealthily, and listen to their ‘pick up lines’…
“Anyway, I only drink Grand Cru really, and the 2010s are really drinking well at the moment. I think that decanting the Chateau Grand Cul for 47 minutes would be ideal.”
No, they’re not dogging you on the date. It’s even worse….
Act 1, scene 2
You’re settling in and the small talk slowly but surely turns into good chat. They have nice eyes as well, much better than in the photo. It’s time to order some snacks and drinks. They seem to take the lead and ask you a few random questions before grabbing the wine list and reading it intently whilst you talk – basically ignoring you.
They then proceed to order two bottles of wine, both made from an obscure Italian variety, and then only order food that ‘will just go perfectly with both of these.’
So now you’ll be sloppy AND ignored. Great!
Act 1, scene 3
The wine glasses the waiter brings to the table first time around aren’t good enough. “They’re not big enough, or the right shape, Michael. I said this last weekend too!”. Their voice sounds like JP’s from Fresh Meat – “Oh, daddy wouldn’t like this one!”
Act 1, scene 4
You know ‘the swirl’ that you do with wine, to introduce a little oxygen into the glass and release the aromas? Well, your evening companion has obviously been practising. A lot. The wine literally does not sit still.
Plus, the eyes you were admiring are no longer planted on you, but buried (along with their nose) in the glass.
Act 1, scene 5
You escape to the bathroom, beginning to wonder if this was all a big mistake. You resolve to see it through and then call it quits as soon as dessert is over. On the way back to the table, it looks as though they’re on their phone, swiping right….surely not on a date?
You get closer, only to realise they’re uploading bottle shots of what you’re drinking onto Vivino, and then placing an order on Good Pair Days…..at least you know where their priorities are now.
Act 1, scene 6
While you eat, most of the chat centres around weekend plans (winery visits), overseas travel (to wineries), where they work (banker…..with an interest in wine) and of course what you’re drinking (yes, wine, in case you forgot).
The vocabulary is lowkey annoying, peppered with gems like “really succulent, puckering acidity”, “salty, but not unpleasantly so“, and your personal favourite: “Full-bodied and massive, with abundant firm tannins.” Wow.
Act 1, scene 7
Dessert is on the horizon and you feel invigorated by the fact that this might nearly be over. You get excited and see they have one of your favourite dessert wines by the glass on the list – Pedro Ximenez, a really luscious, sweet Spanish wine. Except when you order it, your new mate corrects you gently, pronouncing it “Pedro Himenez”….as if they are secretly Spanish and have only now remembered to talk with a very faint lisp. No way, José.
Act 1, scene 8
They pick up the bill – the only highlight of the evening. You leave them at the bar arguing with the staff over the merits of drinking amaro or whisky after dinner. They’ve basically forgotten you exist and are just focussed on what they’ll be drinking next….you slip out into the night, a wine snob’s afterthought.
For the record, we at Good Pair Days love wine. Like, more than nearly anything. But being a jerk about it and parading your 'superiority' over others is just plain dumb. Don’t do that. Just enjoy the wine!